Awestruck

Something is different. I can't put my finger on it, but have you ever felt like you are living in the third person? Normally my everyday life is rotating in orbit and I feel like I'm watching it happen, but not in it?? No I'm not crazy, I just don't know how to describe it. I think the reason is that I put aside me, myself and the focus is on everyone and everything else. Maybe I do it on purpose, I never liked to be the focus of attention. In fact, I have in the past dreaded any type of hair change, even new clothes because I didn't want anyone to notice something new about me. I think I've managed to move away from that now that I'm out of school and work.

But in the past two weeks, something changed. Like my cousin Tia would describe so eloquently, I feel "pricked". Alive, aware, at peace, and happy. I saw amazement in Tayton's eyes today as he watched and listened to Katia's jewelry box ballerina spin around. And it made my day! And I have this little lilac bush out back, it's small- never growing much from year to year, but it had nine, yes nine, butterflies in it! And there has been a constant stock of them all day. Now, either I never bothered to notice them in prior years, or it was just put into my day today to bring a smile, whatever the reason, I was made aware of it. I feel like Tayton, noticing the little things that I hadn't noticed before. He heard the birds tweeting this morning while eating his cereal and was so thrilled, saying "birdie, birdie, birdie."

Then there's this rocking chair that we inherited. Long ago, about twelve years ago I would guess, we bought our first home, it was a little 10 X 50 mobile home in Grand Rapids' suburb of Kentwood. A woman of ninety something sold it to us, and it was furnished. Well she left this rocker, it's a stationary rocking chair and it was covered in orange and brown tweed fabric with a centennial themed print on it. Eagles, drums, 1776, I'm sure you all have seen it before. It was a print that I had seen before when I was a child, I think it was a lamp shade material on a relatives lamp or something. Anyway, we kept the chair, it was made at Robinson furniture factory! My dad had worked there when I was little, he was a foreman and union steward I think. So I had a tie to this chair and it quickly became something sentimental to me. We refinished the wood and stained in cherry and my dad recovered it for us back in 1995 when we were expecting our first child, Tyler. We chose a pretty slate blue velour material and it's held up really nicely. Well about two weeks ago, one of the spindles and the arm of the chair came apart- the kids being scolded for sitting on it in this condition, Paul was able to fix it at a friend's house this week. He was sort of persistant about getting it fixed before it was ruined completely and I had not given it alot of thought. Well, now it's as good as new, probably originally built back in 1976 judging by the print- and I realized today that in probably another month, it would be a thirty year old rocker! And I was glad that Paul fixed it. I was thinking today that I have rocked to sleep each of my infants in it and this is the first time we have had to repair it beyond refinishing it. The kids fight over who gets to sit in it after school or at night. There's something comforting about this old rocker.

And my mom and I had such a good discussion today, what a blessing she is. Alot of times you get into talking about the same old things and today were able to delve into some real deep thoughts and it also made my day. She helped me realize some feelings I had that I couldn't before explain.

On a day when I would normally feel a little down because we have so little, I feel overfilled with abundance and I'm thankful.