The Silence

I wrote a week or so ago about my Sunday School class and the liberal views within. After much thought and prayer- I approached this issue with care. I decided to go to the teacher first and suggest that we go over the chapter again and that I was really struggling with what was said and decided in that week's study. The Lord sure covered my words because she was not at all defensive and went right to our Pastor and asked him to come in and cover the chapter again for us because, she didn't have the answers that I was looking for. So this week, he will help us dive into the Word and find those gray areas that are so plaguing me. She announced Sunday to the group that she had been called and that the Pastor was going to come in- she didn't mention my name which I appreciated and everyone is going to reread the chapter. RELIEF! Not only is this an older woman- she just happens to be my aunt! So I know what upsets her and approaching this was not easy. But the Lord sure wouldn't give me any peace about it.
Then on top of that- the very issue seems to plaguing a relative's life miles away. While we are so far away- I'm so sad for her and her kids. So did God bring this chapter to my attention because my own flesh and blood was going to be dealing with it- I don't know- but it sure is ironic.
Flashbacks of memories have flooded my thoughts. My own parents divorcing when I was 11. I was on the school bus on my way to fourth grade at Rapid River. It was an exciting time in a kid's life- I had just started to go to the bigger school. A person I didn't really know asked me on the bus if my parents were getting a divorce. I said, NO! Little did I know, the plan was in the works. I remember coming home upset and I asked them both if they were going to divorce- it was my biggest fear. They assured me that they weren't. A week later, my mom left. I mean she really left- we didn't know where she was for two weeks until the police found her with my Dad's best friend. Did I have issues with abandonment- you bet. Did my mom and I have a strained relationship with unforgiveness at the core- you bet. I can only say that it took us this long to have a real mother daughter relationship that isn't tainted with those feelings. I was just thinking last night how thankful I am for her- she has become my very best friend.
But those adolescent years are so tender. Pictures of my brother and I after that time look without soul. We were empty- withdrawn, filled with pain, uncertain of our futures, and we missed our parents terribly. I cried myself to sleep for years. Even after getting married, I still struggled with that pain and would cry when I would hear songs that brought me back to that time. I can say that finally now in my thirties, I am healed- but only by the Grace of God. If I didn't have my faith- I really don't know where I'd be. Michael and I both had been saved during that dreadful year. I remember Grandma telling me that Jesus can help me with the pain in my heart. That I could pray to him and maybe my parents would get back together. It was the hope I needed and she lead us in that prayer. We started going to church with my Aunt and Uncle and continued on until we were in high school. Without the support of our parents, our faith never really grew though. I think we were faithful to go to church because it was our only normalcy. Our home life was a mess. I covered up what was going on pretty well. Michael and I eventually lived in different places- he was at my Dad's and I was with my Mom. My senior year, I moved into my Dad and Joy's. I started a downward spiral of drinking to extreme. Driving home and not remembering doing so. Walking home and not remembering where my car was. Breaking my foot and not remembering how. I was repeating the cycle set forth by my parents, but I think maybe I had gotten worse. Getting married never stopped that cycle. I drank on the weekends only, but always drank to get drunk. We always fought during those years- hmmm- I wonder why.
Last night during our small group, we read and studied Ephesians 5:15-21. Verse 18 says: "Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the spirit." Debauchery is defined as indulgence in sensual pleasures; scandalous activities involving sex, alcohol, or drugs without inhibition. Yeah I can see that. Mind altering whether it be in the form of alcohol, prescription drugs, etc changes the person into just what Satan wants to devour. So as our small group ended last night with the last of the fruits of the spirit- self control- I thought of how God helped me to overcome wanting to drink. Breaking the cycle before my own kids thought it was okay to drink and before it could break apart our family. Paul also quit drinking, although he slips maybe once a year, he feels the guilt because he knows how much damage it causes in a happy home. And so we are stronger because of that conviction.