Time

When I was working, time was so much more precious to me. On my days off, I made use of every waking hour getting to tasks I'd been wanting to get done all week. During the work week, I would get off work and race to the daycare to get Tyler. I was watching the clock at work waiting till I could go and see him at lunch or at the end of the day. When we got home, I put all my attention on him until he went to bed at 8pm. I was told quality over quantity so I made that time count. He would know I was his mom, not the workers at the daycare who spent the whole day with him. When I chose to stay home with the kids after Katia was born time seemed still important as I tried to organize it. I sure had trouble once we had two and had all this time on my own hands. I had things I had to get accomplished during the day before Paul got home. I was concerned about showing him how I utilized my time-that I wasn't just loafing around while he worked. It was so hard to get organized though. I would start the dishes, feed Katia, the water would be cold by the time we were done, so I would try again. Meals were at weird times during the day. I just couldn't get my groove. I remember crying and crying about it. The day would fly by and I felt like I did nothing- nothing except take care of my kids. I should say, that it felt like I had accomplished nothing. Alot of days early on, I didn't get in the shower until Paul got home. Katia was a very fussy baby, plus there was her seizures several times a day, and I didn't want to take a shower while she was awake. And since she napped in 10 minutes segments much of the time- let's just say there was frustration.
I didn't ask for any help from anyone else, I expected them to offer and no one did. But no one knew. Staying home with my kids was supposed to be second nature, I shouldn't be having trouble adjusting. In hindsight though, I didn't have anyone nearby who'd been there done that. In my world in 1999, women worked outside the home. If they didn't, they were thought of as lazy. I remember a fellow coworker judging another new mom for staying home after her baby was born.
Years passed, Katia got better, I got my groove and routine down. Just today I was thinking for the first time in a long time, how hard it was. And then to add to our family, we had our third. I was a little worried at that time how I would handle three kids since the transition to two was so difficult. The key was in the spacing. I just couldn't do more than one child in diapers or nursing at a time. That's just me.
And so time seems to dictate alot of things. Now, the days and weeks fly by. I get quite a bit accomplished, the kids help out too. Sunday night, we thought we'd go to the beach swimming. We got to the beach, Katia jumped out of the car to grab the lifejacket and floaty duck for Tayton that was in the trunk. When she closed the trunk, she slammed her thumb in it. She was so tough at first, just saying ow, ow, ow. Paul looked at it, and it was bleeding quite bad and he said that she it cut the side of her thumb nearly off- well then she started bawling. We got back in the car and went home. She was in alot of pain by then. After some TIME that night, she said it felt numb and went to bed. It's healing. Time heals all wounds. The wounds turn numb and they go away or are forgotten. Yesterday we went to Marquette for Tyler's sports physical. We pretty much wrapped up our school shopping as well. We'd of liked to go out to Presque Isle while we were there, but time is always a element. Grandma Mary had Tayton for the day and I wanted to get back as soon as I could to relieve her. It's nearly a two hour drive for us there and back, but it was a good day.
So while I have more time of my own to utilize, it would seem, it's still not mine. It's not mine to waste, it's not mine to use. Everyone is lined up in domino fashion waiting their turn for the same time. Paul wants the time for fishing, the kids want the time for activities they are in whether it be dance or youth group or football or swimming, I'd like a couple hours in there to golf, but it's been two and a half months since I've done that. Many days, I am able to talk to Paul for only 15 minutes before the phone is ringing for him. Two or three nights a week he fishes, the rest he spends working on someone's car. So where is his time spent? Not here. It's a real struggle. I'm venting now, this is a fresh wound. I'm always on this schedule- be home by this time because someone else doesn't want me to waste someone else's time. I'm given an hour a week to grocery shop. Twenty minutes is drive time, which leaves me with fourty minutes. I can never just take my time. I also get an hour for bible study on Wednesday nights and three on Sundays mornings. So it's just another thing that I've been praying about. While I know the most important job a woman has is to "be a worker at home", the balance is essential for the worker at home to keep her sanity. Maybe it's just an evening walk or the freedom to go to the bathroom without a child or dog barging in. Maybe it's just the opportunity to be alone for a half hour a day. Being a worker at home doesn't mean we gave away our right to be human beings with feelings. Those feelings usually sequestered. Yeah, I'm venting-thanks for listening:-)